My husband and I say with certainty that neither of us have any interest in getting married again if something should happen to one of us. Now, this statement, depending on who you are and what you have been through could mean a lot of different things. My husband was the first to put this statement out there, and it really hurt. The meaning I was taking from that statement was that he felt like he made a mistake, he was miserable, and he was stuck with me. I even think that was probably the conclusion others came to when he would say that. However, that was not what he meant.
Now, 15 years into our marriage and over 17 years together, I agree with him. So, what does this statement actually mean to us? Well…. To understand that, I think I need to share the three biggest battles of our marriage so far. Each of these battles required us to dig deep and change so that we were capable of setting up a relationship that would work for us. So here it goes…
The History of Us
Our marriage has been through a lot of battles, especially the first six years as we struggled to build the foundation and home that would house us individually and our relationship. When we chose to get engaged at the age of 21 and 23, we really had no idea what we were in for. We were very young and poor, we loved each other, and we were committed. Not really the best combination for success, but we did it. We chose our hard. I will admit, many times in those beginning years I was on the fence; it was hard and our foundation needed a lot of repairing. We would take a few steps forward and then a whole section of the floor would crumble underneath us. This first third of our marriage was very rough.
Battle 1: A foundation made on sand ⏳
I chose to separate from my husband for a short time after attending individual and marital therapy and a women’s conference called Lamp Lighter. I could not take anymore of how we were in relationship and I felt like I was out of options. At that point I remember agreeing with my husband for all the wrong reasons - I never wanted to get married again. Our entire foundation that held our relationship was extremely damaged and for years I tried to repair it all by myself. Honestly, with the individual work I was putting in, I did make a small dent in our foundation and that was empowering, however, it was not enough.
It could not be enough because so much of it we set up together, I needed him to show up and choose the hard. Choose to work on it with me. Thankfully, shortly after I left, he decided he was ready to show up and repair the damage with me. I don’t encourage separation lightly in this piece and I really took a big leap of faith that he truly was ready when we decided to move forward together. Thankfully, he really was. That marked the beginning of very uncomfortable 😣, yet very necessary repairing. In that time, our relationship slowly shifted away from a contract and into a covenant, which is exactly what we needed to gear up for round two.
Battle 2: Infertility 💉
You know when God helps prepare you for worldly battles and sometimes you get a glimpse of exactly why you went through what you went through? Well…. once we made it to battle 2 of our marriage, I understood the importance of battle 1. We decided we were ready to build a family around my 30th birthday. My husband knew he may have a hard time with this because of some surgeries he had as a child and the potential impact they could have had on his ability to have kids. And, he was right. In 2019, we started our over four year fertility journey to having our little boy. We stepped into the world of fertility specialists, surgeries, medications, shots, appointments, ultrasounds, strategy conversations, etc. My husband spent two years working with his fertility factors and I spent over two years on treatments as well. I can promise you, that had we not gone through our first big battle for our marriage, it NEVER would have survived these four years.
We learned through battle one that we had to choose our hard every day. We took our repaired and sturdy foundation with us through this battle. We needed that foundation for our relationship to be held in, when we could not handle the grief and despair that engulfed us. Throughout this process there are a lot of insecurities that surface. We had to check in with each other often to make sure we were still in this together. One particular conversation still sticks out to me and it is one that I pray most never have to have. The conversation that goes - If we cannot have kids together, I understand if you want to find someone you can have a family with. Up to this point in our marriage, that was the most heartbreaking conversation we have had. However, we still decided to choose the hard together without hesitation. Whether we were blessed with a child or not, we were in this life together for the long haul. Yet another layer of our covenantal foundation solidified.
Battle 3: Our Blessing 👨👩👦
Thankfully, we were blessed with a little one! Now, we are in the midst of early parenting and I call this our third battle not in the same way the first two battles were fought. This is an amazing blessing that we know is extremely important for us to be vigilant and to protect. Our little boy is the best of us, and our battle is not with him but with the outside world and how we want to raise him intentionally. We are staying committed to repairing our foundation when needed and maintaining a home for our whole family to be held in. God gifted us this little boy and my only goal is to make sure we get to Heaven as a family unit. As we evolve ever so quickly with a little one around, I am amazed at the love and admiration I have for my husband now. How this huge shift in our home has created so much depth to our relationship. As I watch the both of us grow and shift, I am so excited for this much longer part of our journey together.
So, what exactly do I mean when I say - I would never get married again…
Thank you for taking the time to witness pieces of our story. I know that I am blessed to have had the outcomes of these battles so far in our marriage. I know that many couples do not make it out of these battles like we did. And there are so many couples out there fighting battles that we have never and may never encounter. I feel like marriage is one of the hardest, blind leading the blind, responsibilities that you can take on. You can never fully know what you are in for.
So, when we both say we would never marry again, we simply mean that we would not want to do this work with anyone else. We know that it takes choosing this hard and a willingness to shift our internal and external selves in order to be married to each other. We appreciate each battle for how it has changed and strengthened us and our relationship. We want and choose to do this every day with each other and that is more than enough for us in this lifetime.
My Comfort 📖
On My Playlist 🎧
Fill This Cup - The Dailys, Jillian Edwards, Ellie Holcomb
The Saints - Andy Mineo, Trip Lee, KB
Look What You’ve Done - Tasha Layton
Trust in You - Lauren Daigle
Blessing I Can’t See - Building 429, Brook(e)
Borrow (One Day at a Time) - Josh Wilson
Overcomer - Mandisa
Every Good Thing - The Afters
That Was Then, This is Now - Josh Wilson
God Is On The Move - 7eventh Time Down
Processing Time 📝
The hard I am choosing in my life today is…
The story I tell myself about this choice is…
The resources I have available to me are…
The people I can lean on for support are…
I would love to hear from you! I plan to share more about each of these battles and the wounds that incurred from them, some of which I am still working through. If there is topic within this that you would be curious to hear more about let me know!
Until next time dear readers!
~Jenna
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